Need

I feel nothing. And it has nothing to do with the fact that i have by my side an almost empty bottle of whisky wich I just remember of starting drinking. Instead, it has to do with the fact that my life seems to be stuck into the time. It's scary when you notice you just don't feel. Things happen around me, people go away and people come around, and I stand exactly where I am, cause I'm not capable of taking some attitude. Maybe I have no courage. Even more weirdly, maybe I have no will. But I want to drown this dormancy together with all my air, just so I can feel again the pain of watching you leaving. I want to feel it burns through my throat, I want it to hurt. I want to be devasted by your goodbye, and after I want you to come back, saying you're sorry, just so you can have the pleasure of seeing me bending over. And after - we both know - you'll leave me again. I've been lying to myself, trying to accept that it's not what I want to myself, that I do not deserve such a painfull humiliation. I knew the worst monster inside you, and I can see it as soon as you knock into my door. Looks like your eyes are judging me for giving up. I can feel when you step into my room that you have no good intentions. It feels like you were stepping over what remains of my soul. And your hands touch me as if I wasn't worthy.  And I feel like a whore wich surrenders herself for necessity. And as soon as I surrender you decides to use me, even knowing that you're gonna say goodbye soon, just cause you can't resist. But I don't blame you cause I know your reason. I can feel it when you kiss me and you realize that it's the only moment in wich I do live. And it scares you. You can't stand being someone's life, someone's breath. You can't deal with such a power. You want it, but you can't. And maybe cause you're too good to try to own me, maybe cause you're mean enough to do not care about my fucking life, or the fucking reasons I want to give you my existence, or even the fucking tears that my body spills trying to die when you depart. And I try to believe that's why you do leave. And you keep going away and coming back, hoping that someday I'll get done with it and stop trying to own you back, cause you can't surrender as I do. But you have no mercy and you keep doing your bets. You come after me and when you see that nothing has changed, guiltless you go. And as soon as you leave, I start all over again, trying to make a plan for that moment when you will come back, and I swear to myself you won't see again in my eyes that I just live for you. This time I'll succeed to hide that I spent every single minute of my life trying to keep you by my side. And I know that when I convince you that I don't need you that much, you'll need me too.